Mothers grieving the death of a child
What is grief?Grief is all the feelings you have when someone close to you dies. You may find it hard to believe that your baby died. You may want to shout or scream or cry. You may want to blame someone. Or you may want to hide under the covers and never come out. At times, your feelings may seem more than you can handle. You may feel sad, depressed, angry or guilty. You may get sick easily with colds and stomach aches and have trouble concentrating. All of these are part of grief. Show
When your baby dies from miscarriage, stillbirth or at or after birth, your hope of being a parent dies, too. Miscarriage is when a baby dies in the womb before 20 weeks of pregnancy; stillbirth is when a baby dies in the womb after 20 weeks of pregnancy. The dreams you had of holding your baby and watching him grow are gone. So much of what you wanted and planned for are lost. This can leave a large, empty space inside you. It may take a long time to heal this space. The death of a baby is one of the most painful things that can happen to a family. You may never really get over your baby’s death. But you can move through your grief to healing. As time passes, your pain eases. You can make a place in your heart and mind for the memories of your baby. You may grieve for your baby for a long time, maybe even your whole life. There’s no right amount of time to grieve. It takes as long as it takes for you. Over time, you can find peace and become ready to think about the future. How do men and women grieve?Everyone grieves in his own way. Men and women often show grief in different ways. Even if you and your partner agree on lots of things, you may feel and show your grief differently. Different ways of dealing with grief may cause problems for you and your partner. For example, you may think your partner isn’t as upset about your baby’s death as you are. You may think he doesn’t care as much. This may make you angry. At the same time, your partner may feel that you’re too emotional. He may not want to hear about your feelings so often, and he may think you’ll never get over your grief. He also may feel left out of all the support you’re getting. Everyone may ask him how you’re doing but forget to ask how he’s doing. You have a special bond with your baby during pregnancy. Your baby is very real to you. You may feel a strong attachment to your baby. Your partner may not feel as close to your baby during pregnancy. He doesn’t carry the baby in his body, so the baby may seem less real to him. He may become more attached to the baby later in pregnancy when he feels the baby kick or sees the baby on an ultrasound. Your partner may be more attached to your baby if she dies after birth. In general, here’s how you may show your grief:
In general, here’s how your partner may show his grief:
Showing grief doesn’t have any rules or instructions. Men and women often may show grief in these ways. But there’s really no right or wrong way for you or your partner to grieve or share your feelings. It’s OK to show your pain and grief in different ways. Be patient and caring with each other. Try to talk about your thoughts and feelings and how you want to remember your baby. How do children grieve?Children of all ages grieve. If you have older children, they may be afraid, act out or need special attention after your baby’s death. They may think they’re going to die, too, or that they’re to blame for the death of their brother or sister. Children can cope better with grief when you explain things and so they know what’s happening. Here are some ways you can help them better understand the baby's death:
Just like you, children may feel hurt, confused and angry as they grieve. Younger children may be clingy or cranky and act in ways that they haven’t for a long time. Older children may be extra worried about things outside of home, like school, friends or sports. Or they may show no reaction at all to the baby’s death or ask questions that you think are rude or uncaring. If your children act out, be patient and loving. It may be helpful for your older children to see a grief counselor. This is a person who’s trained to help people deal with grief. A grief counselor who works with children can recommend resources, like bereavement groups just for kids. A bereavement group is a group of people who meet together to heal from grief. To find a grief counselor for your children or to help you with your children, ask your provider, your child’s provider or a social worker at the hospital. Who can help you and your family deal with grief?Talking about your baby and your feelings can be helpful and comforting. Of course you can talk to your partner, your friends and your family. But talking to someone who’s trained to help you deal with grief may be useful. For example:
You may want to join a support or bereavement group. A support group is a group of people who have the same kind of concerns. They meet to share their feelings and try to help each other. There are support and bereavement groups just for parents and families who have lost a baby. Group members understand what you're going through and can help you feel like you’re not alone. Your provider, social worker or grief counselor can help you find a group, or your hospital may have a group as part of a loss and grief program for families. You can find groups online, too, like Share Your Story, the March of Dimes online community where families who have lost a baby can talk to and comfort each other. We also offer the free booklet From hurt to healingthat has information and resources for grieving parents. How can you take care of yourself as you grieve?Your body needs time to recover after pregnancy. You may need more time depending on how far along you are when your pregnancy ends. Here’s what you can do to take care of yourself:
You need time to recover emotionally, too. Certain things, like hearing names you were thinking of for your baby or seeing the baby’s nursery at home, may be painful reminders of your loss. Your body’s physical recovery also may remind you of your baby, like if your breast milk comes in after a stillbirth. A counselor, social worker or support group can help you learn how to deal with these situations and the feelings they create. How can you handle family and friends while you're grieving?Your baby’s death affects your friends and family, too. It may be hard dealing with others as you're grieving yourself. Here are some things you can do to help you handle others as you grieve. Do only what feels right for you:
Some people may expect you to limit your grief or get over it in a certain amount of time. Take as long as you need to cope with your loss. Support from others may lessen over time. This doesn’t mean that they've forgotten about your baby or that they don't care. You may need to tell them that you’re still grieving and that you still need their support. What if you lose a multiple?Any parent who loses a baby feels grief. But losing one, two or a whole set of multiples can create its own set of feelings. Multiples means being pregnant with more than one baby, like twins, triplets or more. If you lost a multiple, you may feel:
What can you do to remember your baby?You can do special things to remember your baby, even if didn’t have a chance to see, touch or hold him. Remember your baby in ways that are special to you. You may want to:
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Last reviewed: October, 2017 How does a mother feel when her child dies?Parents of children and adolescents who die are found to suffer a broad range of difficult mental and physical symptoms. As with many losses, depressed feelings are accompanied by intense feelings of sadness, despair, helplessness, loneliness, abandonment, and a wish to die [28].
What is a mother who loses a child called?What's a Vilomah? Vilomah is a word gaining acceptance to describe a parent who has lost a child.
How do you cope when your child dies?Keep the Family Bonded and Seek Help for Your Grief. Stick Together.. Seek Professional Help.. Accept Help.. Prepare for Delayed Grief.. Continue Seeing a Professional.. Find a Support Group.. Pay Attention to Your Health.. Avoid Negative People.. What to say to a grieving mother who lost a child?What do you say to grieving parents?. Be simple: “I'm sorry for your loss.”. Be honest: “I don't know what to say. I can't imagine what you're going through.”. Be comforting: “I care about you and your family. Please tell me what I can do to help.”. |